some people make me wanna BLOW A GASKET

Sometimes this one person makes me SO mad, I want to yell and throw a tantrum just to get out this negative anxious energy his demeaning, sarcastic, stupid words give me. I have to be humble and suppress my anger, especially now that my interactions with him will end soon. One thing I don't understand is why the people who SEE what a jerk he is to me don't do anything to either encourage me or reprimand HIM. I'm being very careful with how much detail I give, and you know why?  This person checked my personal email a few weeks ago... yeah...

On a completely different subject, my husband Jake's Uncle "Neb" (name changed) is turning the family upside down. Jake's father "Isaac" has been taking care of his aging mother. Isaac lives in on the same property as Granny, and since Papa G died several years ago, she's been declining mentally and physically. Neb and Granny got into a huge fight after Papa G died, over a truck... he wanted to use it, but under her insurance and name. After he got a DUI, she signed the truck over to him, since he was such a liability. He was pissed off that he'd need to buy his own insurance, and basically wrote off Granny AND Isaac, telling Isaac, "Don't call me till the funeral" (Granny's....).

Over the past year, Granny has gotten worse, especially in the dementia. Isaac had a home-healthcare team assess her and take care of her as long as Medicare would allow, then he hired a nurse to come in several times a week. Isaac walks over to her house multiple times a day, fixing her hot meals and beverages, changing her clothes if she soils them, and talking with her.

Uncle Neb all the sudden came back into the picture early this year. Granny likes to keep cash in her purse, helps her feel like she has some control in her life I think, and Isaac would discover that all of the big bills would be gone after Neb visited. Anywhere from several hundred to a thousand bucks. Granny wouldn't remember where it went. Then Neb "got permission" to borrow Granny's car for a few days. Isaac didn't protest at first, but then Neb refused to return it. Of course Isaac has his own truck, but 1) Granny's car is the only one she can climb in to 2) Neb's got a major drinking problem, and the liability is too great 3) Isaac has power of attorney and Neb had no right to take it. After several months, the car re-appeared.

Ok, so after lots of other little incidents like this...

Ned called Adult Protective Services on Isaac for neglect/abuse of Granny!  They investigated and of course found nothing off, because the dear man spends half his time taking care of her. They suggested she might not ought to be left alone at night. So Isaac's been re-arranging their house to bring her down there every night. They would just move her in, but she wants to hold on to some semblance of independence. Isaac bought a monitoring system/intercom and installed it in her home so that he could hear if she needed help. Soon after, Neb visited... and Isaac heard him telling Granny that he (Neb) was the one who'd been taking care of her, that Isaac was just out for her money and house. Now we come to find out, he's bad-mouthing Isaac to all of the other family members, too. Jake and me both are pushing Isaac to get a restraining order on Neb (he has threatened Isaac on numerous occasions).

There's so much more detail I can put in that, but in a large nutshell, that's the craziness Uncle Neb is causing.

breastfeeding until he's 10

Ok that'd be gross. :P

But Braeden is almost a year old. I've always said I'd nurse "at least a year" and now I just can't imagine not having that time with him, and giving him that special nourishment that I make just for him. Man this would sound creepy to anyone but another breastfeeding mother. Everytime I read the word wean, I want to cry. Maybe it's just the knowledge that's he's growing older, a sign of time passing... but I get so excited about his milestones! I guess those are beginnings and this would be an end.

Well either way I'm definitely not ready to stop at one year.

Maybe in a couple months, my mindset will change; I'll start seeing him as a kid instead of a baby and I'll be ready. Or maybe he'll lose interest before me. For now, I shall continue!

You know, I can't figure out why I feel like society wants me to stop at 1 year... I seriously am dreading comments from opinionated people who realize I'm still nursing him. But WHY do I think that it's got such a negative connotation?! The more I think about it... I think it's cause that's what I believed before I got preggoes, had a baby, researched breastfeeding, etc etc... My own stupid prejudices. Ha, maybe this current anxiety is a form of karma.

home sweet frickin' home

I'm SO overwhelmed by my house. We want to get out of this tiny place, but there is so much to do before it can go on the market, I don't know where to start. And it seems like there's never time to do anything anyway. Shall I start a list?

• Finish molding around flooring
• Replace countertops
• Get rid of cats...
• Fix cat bathroom, including the ceiling, walls, and vainty
• Find a way to bleach grout in all 3 bathrooms
• Repaper both downstairs bathrooms with paintable wallpaper
• Paint like everywhere
• Fix ceiling in several rooms (tape's coming off edges)
• Fix dry wall tape in several rooms
• Paint shed
• Fix some too tight doors
• Store a whole bunch of junk that is cluttering the closets
• Re-carpet later on
• The list goes on....

See what I mean??  Almost all of this is impossible for me to do alone and Jake's gone so much. Not that I'm not happy with him, I'm just frustrated with this.

On a different note, watching Law and Order SVU and they just discovered an incest situation that begat a baby... ew...

 Sooo anyways... sitting on my couch staring at a crack going down the wall that will need to be plastered. *sigh*

Tomorrow

Tomorrow we're taking Braeden to get his ticker checked out. I keep hearing (and mechanically repeating) "it's probably nothing", but the other possibilities, however minute, are haunting my thoughts. It's hard to talk to my husband about it, he thinks I shouldn't worry.  Maybe I shouldn't. But, um... I guess I can't help it?!

Here's the thing, I think about my baby being taken from me constantly. If Jake and I are upstairs with Braeden and he takes him downstairs, I hold my breath to hear every footstep, expecting that slip and fall. Little circumstances like that happen quite often in my week. 

I've been trying to avoid talking about it. What's sad is when it's brought up, like at church 20 times this morning, I feel the need to belittle the situation, to smooth it over. I don't know why, if it's to make the other person feel okay, since we don't know anything yet.

So there it is, what's so hard to say out loud. Maybe it is pathetically premature to worry, but I'm his Mama and I have the right.

Dare I?

It's an interesting thing to blog. To me, opening a window with limitless capacity for thought leads to worry. If I don't just open up my heart and lay out my thoughts, am I wasting my time time starting this blog? Aren't I just cheating myself?  If I do... who will read it?  Will I end up eating my words?

It seems bold, putting one's thoughts into written word. Guess it's time to roll the dice and step out!